One day, humanity realized that God was nowhere to be found, so it filed a Missing Person report. The Universe sent eight detectives to follow the trail of God and solve the case.
The first three detectives each represented one of the Abrahamic faiths. They did not search for any evidence, but instead combed through their respective Holy Books and compiled long lists of proofs that God was a Person who was not Missing, just Invisible.
The next two detectives were students of the Eastern philosophies. They searched within themselves, and determined that God was neither Missing not a Person. Instead of reporting this back to the Universe, however, they just kept meditating and doing yoga.
One detective was a Nietzschean agnostic. He determined that God was Dead, and recommended that humanity be arrested on charges of First-Degree Deicide.
Another detective was atheist. He decided that God could not be a Missing Person because God did not exist in the first place. He went on to write a book claiming that humanity (with the exception, somehow, of himself) was delusional.
Only the pantheist detective realized that God was the One who filed the Missing Person report. Humanity found its Missing self, God was arrested on charges of Impersonating the Universe, and all was well again.
Not One, Not Two 
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